Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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