I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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