Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
