cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
