The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
