Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
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