I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
