just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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