Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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