Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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