I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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