shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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