I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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