i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
