Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
