I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
