I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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