You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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