Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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