You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
