I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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