My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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