why didn't you poke me back
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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