i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
