Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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