Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
