she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
