Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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