my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
