apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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