took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
