I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
