my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
