i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
