come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
