I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
