My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
