i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
he told me I talked like a deaf person
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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