How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
