i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
