he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
