I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
where does the pee come out of this thing
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
