Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
