i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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