You can't special order awesome
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
