Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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