did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
