i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
