i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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