I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
